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  She led me to the living room and wrapped a fleece blanket around me and we sat in the dark stillness, not saying anything. I stared at the light outside that was filtering through the curtains. She put her arm over my shoulders.

  “You’re okay, Abby,” she kept repeating. “You’re okay.”

  I didn’t feel okay. I felt dark and terrible, but I nodded anyway.

  “It’s over. It was just a dream. A nightmare.”

  But I knew that wasn’t true. It was something more.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head.

  “How about some tea?”

  “Okay,” I said.

  She got up and I heard her banging around in the kitchen. It seemed like she was gone for only a minute and she returned carrying two mugs.

  She put the cup in my hands and I blew on the steam.

  “Thanks.”

  “What was it about?”

  “I don’t even know. Darkness. Shadows. But Kate, it wasn’t a nightmare.”

  She put her mug down on the table and looked at me.

  “What do you mean?”

  I glanced up at her, studying her face. She knew what I meant.

  “It was one of those visions, when I’m in the lake and then I’m thrown out and I see people or something. It was one of those.”

  “Like after your accident? When you had those visions about him killing people here in Bend?”

  I nodded.

  She sat back, her eyes wide.

  “Damn,” she said. “Did you see him?”

  “No, I didn’t see him. But I think he was there, Kate. I think he was watching someone. He was watching this guy walking around. It had a bad feeling. Just like those visions. Just like when he killed all those people.”

  “Abby, it’s impossible. He’s dead. He’s not able to kill people anymore. You saw his body. Ben buried him. There’s just no way.”

  I knew what she was saying was true. I drank the tea in uneven gulps. I think I knew now what people meant when they said they could really use a drink.

  CHAPTER 19

  We spent the entire night talking about dreams and visions and Nathaniel Mortimer. When dawn finally crept in, I told Kate I would call and make an appointment to see Dr. Krowe.

  “Good,” she said. “And let him give you something so you can get some sleep.”

  “All right,” I said, fighting off a yawn.

  I was hoping what she said was true too, that it was just a dream and not one of those visions I used to have. But it sure had felt the same. Starting off in that dark lake, drowning. It had felt the same, although I had trouble explaining that to Kate.

  Not long after my drowning accident, I had a series of visions in which I witnessed Nathaniel Mortimer stalk and kill four people. Following the murders he had injected each of the victims with his serum. At the time I didn’t know that he was killing them so he could bring them back to life. It didn’t work.

  In the last vision, Nathaniel had seen me watching him and even smiled at me. He told me later that we had a special bond. And now I was terrified that my greatest fear was coming true. That death wouldn’t be able to keep us apart.

  I never understood the visions. Why I had them, or why they stopped. I was just grateful that they had.

  But regardless, Kate was right about one thing.

  It was time to see Dr. Krowe.

  CHAPTER 20

  I was surprised that Dr. Krowe could see me so fast and that he had an opening that afternoon. I would have to go into work an hour later, so I called Mike to make sure it was okay.

  “Sure,” he said. “Lyle can probably cover it. You okay?”

  “Oh, yeah,” I said. “It’s just a dentist appointment I forgot about.”

  “Oh, well good then. See you at three,” he said.

  I called Kate at work to let her know. She sounded tired, but perked up when I told her about the appointment.

  “Say hi for me,” she said.

  It still felt like going backwards, especially on the drive over, but I didn’t think too much about it. My sleep-deprived brain didn’t seem up to the task. I focused instead on stop lights, pedestrians, and safe lane changes. As I pulled in and parked by the small wood building tucked away next to some trees, all sorts of feelings sprouted up, making me want to cry.

  I remembered those times I came here, believing all the while that Jesse was still alive, when everyone knew the truth. He had died in the accident.

  But Dr. Krowe had helped me once, and had helped me a lot. I had told him everything in the end, about the visions, about seeing Jesse’s ghost. Everything. And he believed me. He was cool that way, willing to be open to the fact that there were paranormal events in the world that couldn’t easily be explained.

  Really, he was one of the good guys.

  So maybe it wasn’t that bad seeing him again. It was kind of like visiting an old friend. That’s how I was going to look at it anyway.

  I knocked on the door.

  “Abby,” he said, his face lighting up. “It is so good to see you.”

  He gave me a hug, which surprised me.

  “Hey, Dr. Krowe. How are you doing?”

  “Good, good. Come on in.”

  The door closed behind me as I stepped into his office. It felt like I had never left.

  “Please, sit down.”

  I did and glanced around the office. Everything was exactly the same. The leather chairs, the paintings on the walls, the immaculate desk. The ceramic elephant paperweight that one of his kids must have made for him.

  I hadn’t seen Dr. Krowe in a while. But he looked the same. And when he sat down with his pen and pad of paper, I saw that he was still a fan of those argyle socks he always used to wear. From the smell his clothes gave off, I could also tell that he was still smoking.

  “I’m glad you decided to come in and see me,” he said. “I talk to Kate sometimes and she told me about some of the things that have been going on.”

  A tiny spark of anger went off somewhere inside me, but it was like trying to start a fire with wet kindling. I was too tired. I wasn’t going to hold it against her, I decided. Kate doing her best David impersonation, flapping her gums around town. I knew she had my best interest at heart.

  His eyes were friendly but heavy.

  “It’s nice seeing you, Dr. Krowe,” I said. “But I have to be honest. I’m not sure I belong here. It feels like, I don’t know, like I’m going backwards a little. I don’t like that feeling.”

  It was a rehearsed line, and sounded that way. But I wanted to open with it. He always told me to express my feelings, so I figured I should.

  “That makes perfect sense. But you’re not really going backwards, Abby. Most of my patients come and go and then come back again. It’s very common. It’s just, well, life.”

  That made sense to me.

  “So, what should we talk about today? You could start with what you’ve been doing these past few years if you’d like.”

  His pen moved across the paper as I told him about being a river guide, playing soccer, and working at Back Street. None of it sounded that exciting, but he seemed happy as he wrote it all down.

  “Wow. Abby, I congratulate you. You’ve really built a great life, haven’t you? That’s outstanding. And I can’t believe you were a river guide last summer, going back out on the water after your accident.”

  “Yeah. It felt good being out there. I’m doing it again, too. I start in June.”

  “That’s just amazing. Does it scare you, being so close to the water like that after you drowned?”

  I liked how he just came out with it. After you drowned. No trace of hesitation in his voice. He wasn’t walking on eggshells around me. He was treating me like I was all right. Maybe he was giving me more credit than I deserved. Lately anyway.

  “Sure,” I said. “I think the rapids scare everyone. They should anyway.”

  He nodded.

  “H
ow did Kate feel about you being a river guide?”

  I shrugged.

  “She accepted it. But it wasn’t easy. I haven’t told her that I’ve already signed my contract for this year. She worries, you know.”

  But I was thinking, really, it was the least of our worries. He nodded and wrote down some things and uncrossed his legs.

  “Speaking of Kate, she told me about the kidnapping. I’m wondering if you’re comfortable talking about that.”

  I glanced out at the trees, something dark simmering inside, and nodded slowly.

  “So this Nathaniel Mortimer, Dr. Ben Mortimer’s brother, he claims, I’m sorry, claimed. I see now that he is deceased. Nathaniel claimed that he was the one who saved you. That he brought you back from the dead. He told you that he was the reason you survived your drowning accident? Did I understand all that right?”

  I nodded again.

  “And then he kidnapped you to perform tests?”

  I nodded again, holding my hands together and hoping he wouldn’t notice how I had started shaking.

  “Abby, it’s no wonder you’re not sleeping. We don’t have to start discussing this in our first session. I just wanted to make sure I knew all the facts, that I understood what had happened. But we can take as long as you need to sort all this out. You’ve been through a difficult trauma and I’m so glad you’ve decided to come see me. That shows me that you’re taking care of yourself.”

  Apparently Kate had told him everything.

  “Do you have trouble every night?” he asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Nightmares?”

  “Yeah.”

  The pen squeaked as he wrote it down.

  “For how long?”

  “Since I got back. Five months.”

  “So you haven’t really had a good night’s sleep in five months?”

  I thought about it for a moment.

  “I had a week or so that was good. In February.”

  “But that’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  He nodded and waited for me to look at him.

  “You have to sleep, Abby,” he said. “It’s important. Really important. I think it’s a good starting place.”

  “I know. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m here.”

  He wrote something else down and then got up and went over to his desk. He brought back a small pad and scribbled on it.

  “Here’s a prescription,” he said. “One pill right before bed and you’ll start sleeping through the night.”

  I reached over and took the paper, folding it and putting it in my pocket.

  “Thanks.”

  I wasn’t sure yet if I was going to take them. I needed to think it over.

  “Just so you know, I don’t usually prescribe sleeping pills, but in your case I think it’s a good idea, just for a little while. I’ve given you enough for a week. Let’s reassess after that.”

  “Okay.”

  “Good.”

  I stayed the entire hour, filling it with a few stories about the people at Back Street, my running program, signing up for soccer again through Parks and Rec. The easy stuff.

  Next time, we would take it a step forward. Next time, I would tell him all about Nathaniel and what he did to me.

  CHAPTER 21

  Mo still wasn’t speaking to me.

  It had been over a week and we had worked together a few times, but clearly she was holding a grudge. She hadn’t said one word to me.

  I hadn’t seen Spenser again and hadn’t learned anything new. There was nothing to do but wait. I went about my life, working at the coffee house, practicing my moves and shots at the park, hanging out with Ty.

  The pills sat untouched on my nightstand. I thought about taking them every night, but so far I hadn’t even opened the bottle. I still equated them with a complete loss of control, with Nathaniel and the drugs he had given me during the kidnapping. I never wanted to feel that way again.

  “Why don’t you take one and then sleep with me in my bed?” Kate had suggested. We were at Home Depot late one night, looking at floor tiles.

  “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  She waited, then finished my thought.

  “But not tonight, right?”

  “No, not tonight.”

  It was bothering me that I hadn’t seen Spenser in all this time. I got the idea that maybe he had figured out that Mo didn’t want to talk to him and he’d moved on. There were probably things he wanted to tell her. But maybe he saw his sister’s intense energy darken when I tried to talk to her about him.

  But the ghost boy’s sad eyes stayed with me, and so did his words. He told me that he messed up and I wanted to know what that meant. In the early morning hours before dawn, when I lay in bed thinking about everything, my thoughts turned back to him.

  And what kind of help did he need?

  When I got up in the morning, I decided to take one last shot at finding out more about Spenser. And I had a good idea who might be able to help.

  ***

  “So, how about grabbing a drink after work later?” I asked David as I stacked white mugs in a neat row under the counter.

  The timing was perfect. We were both off in the afternoon.

  “Abby Craig! You surprise me every day,” he said. “I would love to. What time were you thinking?”

  “Well, how about we meet up at three,” I said.

  I helped the woman who walked up carrying a small dog. We didn’t allow dogs inside, but I rang up her order and waited before pointing it out, just to see if she was staying. She took her latte and went outside.

  “Yeah. Sounds fun,” he said. “Where do you want to go?”

  “Wherever you want.Deschutes. 10 Barrel. McMenamins.”

  “Let’s go to 10 Barrel,” he said. “We’ll say hello to BB.”

  I smiled.

  “He’s not on until later.”

  “Let’s go anyway. They have great brews on tap and you can sneak some sips from my glass when nobody’s looking.”

  I was glad that Ty wouldn’t be working then. I didn’t want David to talk about my beautiful boyfriend all afternoon. I wanted to have a serious conversation.

  I wanted him to tell me everything he knew about Mo.

  CHAPTER 22

  I was all ready to sit outside, but David refused, saying it was way too cold still.

  “You’re kidding! Right?”

  It had been a beautiful day, with temperatures in the high 60s and only a few clouds.

  “Sorry. That little wind in the afternoon is a real killer.”

  “All right. All right, you baby.”

  We walked inside, taking a seat at a table next to the window.

  I stopped by 10 Barrel once in a while when Ty was working. They had good food and I liked the atmosphere. But I wasn’t so hungry now so I just ordered a Coke.

  David clasped his hands together on the table and leaned forward.

  “So, Abby Craig, tell me what you want to talk about.”

  I smiled. David was a smart guy. He reminded me of Kate sometimes, being able to read people’s emotions and always knowing when a customer was anxious or mad. I didn’t bother with insisting that I had invited him out just for fun and small talk.

  “Mo,” I said.

  “Yeah, no kidding.What’s with you two? Feels like the North Pole when I’m around you guys. What happened?”

  I didn’t want to tell David everything, just enough to get him to help me.

  “I asked about one of her tattoos and she freaked out.”

  He nodded.

  “You asked about Spenser, right?” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said, playing it up a little. “Big mistake.”

  “No, Abby Craig. You were just being inquisitive. Don’t beat yourself up that way. I did the same thing when I started working there and the next minute I thought I was a gazelle at a Serengeti watering hole, taking my last sip of water before a lion had me for breakfast. Wat
ch out says that bird, if you know what I mean.”

  The waiter brought out our drinks and David took a sip of his beer.

  “She’s just a very sensitive girl. And most people don’t realize that. It’s hard to tell, but she’s hiding a lot of pain behind all that makeup and fuchsia hair.”

  I laughed.

  “What’s so funny?” he said.

  “I didn’t know she had fuchsia hair. I thought it was brown or something.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said. “I am always forgetting about your color blindness thing. She changes her hair color like every other week. But just up front here.”

  He moved his hands around his head.

  “Sometimes it’s pink, sometimes green. I’m a natural dirty blonde, in case you were wondering.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair, showing me.

  “So what? Does it look like I have white hair to you?”

  “Kind of a salt and pepper look.”

  “Eeww,” David said. “That’s such a bummer, Abby Craig, not seeing colors. Have you always been that way?”

  I shook my head.

  “No,” I said cautiously. I didn’t want to get into my story. “I can remember what most colors look like. But someone has to say what they are and then I’ll try to visualize them.”

  I told him about Kate and how she was painting the house and how she always was telling me what the colors were but how they were pretty much all shades of gray to me.

  “Yuck,” he said. “Can’t they do something for that? It’s like the 21st century. They can do anything.”

  I shrugged as I sat back in the seat.

  “Maybe someday,” I said. “Hopefully.”

  The waiter stopped by our table and asked how everything was and David started talking to him about how he had to wait two hours one time back in the summer to get a table with his friends outside. When the waiter left, he started talking about the different people who worked at Back Street over the last year. I tried to think about how to get our conversation back on track.

  “David Norton,” I said, interrupting him. “I need your help.”

  That seemed to do the trick.