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  I knew I sounded bitter and I didn’t want to be bitter. But the words spilled out and I hadn’t been able to stop them. I should have been appreciative, thankful for being alive and brought back from that awful darkness that engulfed me in those 44 minutes.

  Jesse had done the math. He had figured out that I had been dead for 44 minutes.Exactly.

  Dr. Krowe held his pen, waiting for more. But I didn’t have anything more to say.

  “I think we should go there, Abby. To the lake,” he said, piercing the awkward silence. “I think you know there are missing pieces and you could find them there. It’s up to you to figure all this out, and I want to help.”

  Chills shot through my body. The idea of going back to the place of my nightmares made me want to vomit. I never wanted to go back. Ever. I shook my head.

  “No,” I whispered. “I can’t.”

  “Well, it’s completely up to you,” he said. “I can’t force it, but I’m pretty sure it would help in your recovery. There are things you need to know, and I think you’re ready.”

  I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Although I wanted all my memories back, I didn’t see how returning to the lake would help me get them. And it felt like it was too high of a price to pay.

  But something else inside, something deep, told me to stop fighting, to face my fears.

  “All right,” I finally said. “I’ll go back. But not yet.”

  “Good,” Dr. Krowe said, looking up from his notes. “Good.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Kate and I headed to the hospital after I finished my homework. It was cold outside, a dark winter night, but clear with a zillion stars spread across the sky. On the way over, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Dr. Krowe had said. It whirled around my mind like a tornado as we walked up to the sliding glass doors.

  A lot of things had changed since the accident. Everything actually. And it seemed like Dr. Krowe was telling me that if I went to the lake where I drowned, my old life would float back to me. Was it really that simple? I wasn’t really sure.

  But the one thing that Dr. Krowe had asked burrowed in my brain like a leech. What was I doing out on that frozen lake? I wouldn’t have been ice skating and I was sure I wasn’t goofing around, either. There had to be a reason. He was right. I needed to figure that part out. I needed that particular memory back to make sense of everything else. It was the key. I could feel it.

  But first things first.

  We planned on meeting Dr. Mortimer in the quiet waiting room of the orthopedic section of the hospital. It was empty. Framed paintings of the Cascade mountain range were hanging on the walls, large leafy plants were in the corners, and big overstuffed chairs were everywhere. It didn’t look anything like the waiting room downstairs in the ER and I was betting that he came here a lot on his breaks to catch a few minutes of peace.

  We walked around looking at the art until we heard the elevator. Dr. Mortimer walked out and we hugged. It was good to see him.

  “It feels like a long time since I’ve seen you, Abby,” he said. His stethoscope hung around his neck and he wore scrubs. “How are you doing?”

  I was wondering if he had been avoiding me these past few weeks, given his new relationship with Kate.

  “Good,” I said.

  His eyes had a sparkle and he was surrounded by light, which grew brighter when he turned his attention toward Kate.

  “Hey, Kate, good to see you, too,” he said, beaming.

  “Hi Benjamin,” she said.

  Benjamin! Things really were different. She glanced at me after she said that and we all laughed nervously. Kate still hadn’t talked to me about whatever it was that was going on between them, but she did tell me that she was planning on having a talk with Matt on the weekend.

  We sat down.

  “Kate told me about your memory breakthrough. That was just the best news, Abby. I’m really, really happy for you.”

  I knew that he meant it too, that it was almost as important to him as it was to me.

  “And I know it’s just the beginning,” he said. “Keep working with Dr. Krowe. He’s a great psychologist and he’ll help you get it all back.”

  “I think so, too,” Kate said. Her phone rang and she pulled it from her coat pocket and frowned. It must have been Matt.

  “I gotta take this but I’ll only be a minute. Promise,” she said, walking over to the corner.

  “So, how’s the ER these days?” I asked. “No more dog maulings I hope.”

  “No, not since that one time, thank God,” he said. “Everything here is fine. Kind of same ol’, same ol’.”

  I could see the energy shift as he talked about some of the patients. His lightness faded and I figured he probably wasn’t so excited about the work anymore. Or maybe he was just tired.

  “So, what about school? Boy, you’ll be done with your senior year before you know it.”

  “School’s fine. Same ol’, same ol’ too.”

  I didn’t like thinking about the future. I looked over at Kate, who was animated as she talked on the phone. I couldn’t tell if she was upset or not, just that her hand seemed to be doing most of the talking.

  “How’s your brother?” I asked, wanting to change the subject.

  Dr. Mortimer leaned back, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He yawned.

  “Oh, he’s okay, I guess,” he said.

  He rubbed his eyes. We both looked at Kate, who was now laughing nervously. She held up a finger signaling one minute.

  “So have you had any other memory breakthroughs?” he asked.

  “No,” I said. “But Dr. Krowe wants me to go back to the lake.”

  He was quiet as he thought about it.

  “Wow, I imagine that would be hard,” he said. “You sure you want to do that?”

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  Kate walked up quickly and sat down next to Dr. Mortimer. He smiled as he watched her, lightness flooding back around him.

  “Sorry, I had to take that,” she said.

  “Okay, ladies, tell me what is going on,” he said, leaning forward.

  Kate told him everything, from the very beginning with the first dream of me seeing the mermaid tattoo on the homeless man’s neck to the vision about the murder of the arsonist. I watched Dr. Mortimer as she spoke, trying to gauge his reaction. He was straight faced through the entire story and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

  But as Kate finished up, the room around us changed. It grew darker, like the lights had dimmed, especially around Dr. Mortimer. Suddenly he had a layer of black moving around him. I stared at his face. Serious and brooding. I had never seen him like this before. It was obvious how uncomfortable he was.

  I kept looking at the moving dark energy that surrounded him. When Kate started talking to me, I could barely hear her. She sounded as if her voice was underwater, muffled and soft. Dr. Mortimer walked over to me.

  “Abby, what is it? What’s wrong?” he asked, his words echoing in my head. Everything was falling away. “Is it your head? Do you have a headache?”

  I nodded. I didn’t.

  And then it struck me. The blackness surrounding him was the same darkness that was around the killer in my visions.

  I shivered. How could this be true? Dr. Mortimer a killer? It didn’t make any sense, but it felt true. Deep down, I knew it was right.

  I took some deep breaths and everything came back in focus.

  “I’m okay now,” I said. “Just light headed, that’s all. Sorry.”

  “You sure?” he said, still looking at me.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  I was too scared to look him in the eyes and my mind took off, racing with thoughts about him being at the fire that night. He was the one in the woods, the one I was following, the one who killed the arsonist. Fear flooded my body and I knew I had to get away. The darkness was still around him. I could still see it.

  “Well, no, actually, I’m not really feeling
so well. I think I’m just tired,” I stammered, trying to think fast, but my brain was sludge. How could this be? Had I really seen that right?

  “Can we do this another time? I feel like I really need to just get to bed,” I said. I stood up and smiled at Kate, hoping she would see that I needed to get away. But she didn’t.

  “Abby, relax, would you?” she said. “We’re not done here.”

  They both looked at me like I was crazy. I knew it must have seemed odd. I grabbed Kate’s hand and led her away. We had to get out of that hospital. I would explain it all to her later.

  I could tell Kate was embarrassed, but I didn’t care. I heard her making excuses as I rushed us out past the empty admitting desks.

  We flew down the stairs and he followed. When we got to the doors, she pushed my hand away and the two of them walked behind me, talking in low voices as I headed to the parking lot.

  “Sorry, Ben, I guess we’ll have to do this another time,” she said.

  “She’s never had that kind of reaction toward me,” he said. I could tell that he was hurt. Even though they were a ways behind me, I still could hear everything.

  “Kate, this concerns me. Maybe we need to run some of those other tests we discussed. Maybe it’s time. It’s been a while now, and I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. But with her still blocking out certain events, and now these new dreams she’s been having, well honestly I’m a little worried. What you two are calling visions could very well be a very serious medical condition. We have to check everything out medically before we call in Ghostbusters. And now she seems scared of me. I think she might need help, and soon.”

  I said a quick goodbye and walked to the car. I could hear Kate’s boots slapping the pavement behind me. I knew she was mad.

  She opened the door and I slid inside. When she got in the driver’s side, she threw her purse down on the floor next to my feet.

  “Well that was great! Really, really great,” she said.

  “Sorry, I just had to get out of there. Like you said before, we’re at this hospital too much.”

  She was quiet. I knew she was stewing. I had wasted everybody’s time and had just insulted the man who had saved my life. But I now suspected that Kate was dating a killer and I would have to tell her, although I doubted she would believe me. I barely believed it myself.

  “It’s Dr. Mortimer, Kate. He’s the killer,” I blurted out. “I saw it! The darkness was around him! The same darkness that hides the killer from me in the visions. It’s him! I saw it and felt it tonight when I was looking at him!”

  “What? That’s just crazy,” she said as we drove. “You’ve flipped out a little, Abby. Come on now. That’s just not possible.”

  She was quiet for the rest of the drive home. When we got into the house, she disappeared into her bedroom and slammed the door. I didn’t see her the rest of the night.

  I hated Kate being mad at me. But I knew now. And it was up to me to convince her of the truth.

  CHAPTER 24

  That night, I dreamt wild dreams. Dreams about black lakes, dark tunnels, raging rivers. And then Kate, lying in the brightness of the fresh snow, a puddle of dark blood oozing out from under where she lay, her eyes wide and lifeless, flakes sticking to her face.

  I woke up screaming. My door opened.

  “Abby, you okay? Are you awake?” Kate asked.

  I took some deep breaths. It was just a dream. Kate was okay. It was a dream, not a vision. I told myself to calm down. My heart felt like running horses as she walked over to me. I hugged her hard.

  But was it only a dream? Did I even have just regular nightmares anymore?

  “Abby. You’re home. Everything’s fine.”

  Then I remembered.

  “Dr. Mortimer, Kate,” I said. “It’s him. I saw that blackness tonight when we were talking to him. I didn’t imagine it.”

  She handed me the glass of water from my nightstand and I took a sip.

  “Let’s go watch some TV,” she said.

  We went to the living room and found What Not To Wear. Kate turned it on low.

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I know in my gut that it’s not him. Did you actually see him do the killing in your vision?” she asked.

  I understood why she was asking that because logically it didn’t make sense to me either. But lately my feelings about things were dead on and I was certain about this.

  “No, it doesn’t work like that,” I said. “I know what you’re saying. But you need to stay away from him until I can get some proof.”

  I had no idea what kind of proof I would be able to get. The killer had been very sharp, clever in his choices, in the locations, and method. Nobody was on to him, and even if they did start investigating there was no evidence to find him. He was a step ahead of everybody. But not ahead of me. It’s not that I thought I could outthink him or anything, I just hoped he would eventually make a mistake. Killers always made mistakes, even the smart ones, and I would be ready.

  Kate sighed.

  “So all you have is a feeling? I’m sorry, but that’s just not enough.”

  “No, remember, he was at the fire that night,” I said. “And he disappeared, and a body was found the next day. That’s something you can’t ignore.”

  She was quiet and stared at the TV.

  “Okay, that’s true,” she said. “But so what? A lot of people were at the fire. Police, firefighters, people watching. It’s still not enough. Maybe your visions have cross-wired somehow. I just don’t understand how suddenly you think it’s Dr. Mortimer. I think you owe him a little more than that, Abby. We both do.”

  That was true and I felt bad about what I was saying. I didn’t want him to be the killer.

  “Just take it easy with all this. Don’t jump to any crazy conclusions until we know more, that’s all I’m asking,” she said.

  Kate was right. Dr. Mortimer was a great guy who saved lives every day. As I thought about that, a sudden wave of guilt shot through me. How could I even think that he was capable of killing? He was a healer, and a really good one. But I couldn’t ignore it either. Something happened at the hospital and I needed to find out more.

  As we watched the screen, I knew it wouldn’t matter how much I told her to stay away from him. Her emotions were spilling out and my new sensitivity could pick up everything. She might not talk about it, but she couldn’t hide it from me.

  Kate was totally and crazily in love with Dr. Mortimer.

  CHAPTER 25

  Just when I thought I was moving forward, I had taken three steps back. Maybe there was no getting over this. Maybe people had accidents and woke up to strange new lives they didn’t want and for the rest of their days they wandered, lost, never figuring out how to live again.

  It had been a week since I told Kate that Dr. Mortimer was a vicious, heartless, cold-blooded killer and I felt terrible. And I was a little scared, too, because I knew what I had seen. The blackness surrounding him was real.

  But Kate still refused to believe it. She was sure that my vision, or whatever it was, was wrong. She said she would know if he were a killer, that she had good instincts about things and Dr. Mortimer was innocent. And I wanted that to be true. I wanted to believe it more than anything. Dr. Mortimer was our friend. More like family, really.

  Kate finally had that talk with Matt. It didn’t go so well, she told me later. He was mad and blamed Dr. Mortimer for ruining their relationship. He said he could see what had been happening between them for months.

  I was shocked that Matt had said that. I hadn’t even suspected it for that long. I couldn’t really imagine Matt ever being that angry and Kate confessed that it surprised her too. It was a side that she had never seen before in her artist boyfriend. She felt terrible.

  They broke up and Matt abruptly disappeared from our nightly dinners. It was strange and I really missed him. And in a way, I kind of needed him, especially lately. Kate was rarely home anymore.

  My T
hursday session with Dr. Krowe went nowhere. No new memories came back.

  And then, of course, there was Jesse, who I loved and who didn’t love me back, who said it was too late and avoided talking to me about that one night when we kissed under the stars. That one stupid night when I made a fatal mistake and turned him away, hurting him forever. I tried to settle for just a friendship, but it wasn’t what I wanted and it was getting harder and harder to accept that there never could be anything more.

  Three steps back, maybe more. I realized that I was completely alone in my gray world. Maybe it was true what they whispered in the hallways after I passed by. Maybe I really was a freak.

  CHAPTER 26

  I stared in shock at the list. It was posted under glass in front of the main office. It was the list of starters for the boys’ basketball team for the huge game next week, the game that would determine if Bend High would get into the playoffs. And Jesse wasn’t on it.

  It was official. His snowboarding obsession had gotten him kicked off the team. All that charm and those boyish good looks didn’t stop the coach from throwing him off for missing half the practices.

  Even though it made sense, I was still surprised. Jesse was their star player, and had been since he was a freshman. He really must have pissed off the coach.

  Jesse always had the attitude that he could talk his way into or out of anything, and most of the time he was right. But not this time. He wasn’t even listed as a sub.

  Black rage flooded through me as I walked out to the parking lot. I would have given anything to be able to play soccer like I used to. I would have shown up to double practices, would have run for a hundred hours a week if there was even a slight chance of my returning to the team at full capacity. And it wouldn’t have had anything to do with colleges and scholarships either. It would have been about the game I loved, the smell of the field, the fear that I had to mold into enthusiasm and poise to get around defenders and slam the ball into the back of the net. I loved the game with my heart and soul. There was nothing, nothing like it.